Angry and Upset

Men get angry. Women cry. That’s the classic domestic violence situation, set up as a perpetual battle between the two opposing forces. I think we have been deliberately programmed to be in some sort of perpetual Angry and Upset battle.

The upset female triggers the male anger. Men don’t like female upset, and they react.
The angry male triggers the female crying. Women don’t like male anger and they react.

We are all re-en-ACTing this Angry Upset thing like a repeating stage play, or a stuck record. It doesn’t just happen in marriages, it seems to be happening everywhere I look. And sometimes there is role reversal, thus women get angry and men get upset. For the purposes of this post, I will stick with the traditional gender programming.

Anger is FIRE, the male element. Upset is tears, the female element of WATER. We have been trained to play out a battle of WATER vs FIRE, when we actually need both. There is no need for one to try and kill off or control the other

Men control women through anger.
Women control men through upset.

Women and churches and charities like tears and upset and victims, it’s their expertise, they stay in control. They can recruit and raise money.

Men and the armed forces like angry, they can deal with that, it’s their expertise and their territory, they stay in control. Angry people are needed for wars. Wars are profitable too.

The angry person is deemed the perpetrator, the upset one is the victim. Between them they create a crime, a CRY-ME, evidence of harm. Upset is evidence of a crime. Anger in itself is not a crime.

Boys don’t cry, they are trained from very young not to. Boys and girls are colour coded from birth so they can be treated differently. Girls are not allowed to get angry, it’s unfeminine.

Where does the woman’s anger and fire go to ? Does it manifest as passive aggressive, a backhanded and secretive way of manipulating people, and venting anger upon them ? Or maybe it is completely turned inwards as ANGst, anxiety.

Where does the male upset go to ? Does it come out as an internalised stomach upset ? Messing up the intuitive gut feeling.

Maybe boys get angry precisely because they are not allowed to be upset. Maybe girls get upset precisely because they are not allowed to get angry.

Sometimes, women suppress their upset so they don’t aggravate the male anger, now they are suppressing both Angry and Upset ! But at least everything is polite and friendly on the surface.
Similarly men sometimes suppress their anger so they don’t turn on the female tears.

YIN us the female crYINg. YANG is the male ANGer.

Maybe if we all were allowed to express either angry FIRE or upset WATER as appropriate when we needed to, but not to control, there would ultimately be a lot less battle and crime around, and in particular the most ancient battle of all, The Battle of the Sexes.

But it is not easy to express Angry or Upset in a genuine way that does not control, or is not an age old reaction to the opposite emotion that triggered your loaded emotional gun. Not when you are trained otherwise.

Have you noticed how children control their parents through behaving angry or upset ? It’s a good way for kids to get attention if they don’t get enough of the right sort of attention. And anyway we are all used to angry and upset battles as daily life in Western culture. It’s normal.

An interesting diversion of angry and upset is to target it at someone who has nothing to do with the original cause. I would suggest that this is happening most of the time. And that our emotions are actually a reenactment of a memory that has been triggered.

So the man gets angry with the appearance of Upset, no matter who the person is who is acting Upset. It is the emotion that he sees that makes him angry. Similarly, the woman gets upset by Angry, regardless of who it is being angry. Angry and Upset are the two forces in battle, and we have been trained to be on one side or the other from birth, according to our genitals.

The battle is constantly fuelling itself.

This is a battle I have been drawn into time and time again. I have recently worked out a way to disengage from the battle… ….by not taking anything personally and not targeting anything personally. As soon as I see that it is all part of a world stage play, in which I am just a small part actor playing either the role of Angry, or the role of Upset, then it starts to diffuse.

The Hot Springs of Bath is hot water. Fire and water together. It is a fiery volcano that heats up natural water. The hot water is freely provided by nature, but the access is hogged and gatekeepered by the elite. The hot springs are renowned for their healing properties, in particular for the skin, the largest organ of the body, and the one we use to sensually touch and know each other. When Water and Fire are in harmony, and are present within us all, then we have healing.

The goddess of the Hot Springs was the Welsh goddess Sul. Until the Romans took over in the first century of Roman time, and created their own overlay of the Roman goddess Sulis Minerva. Maybe this is the point at which the harmony changed to battle. Romans are known for their war and invasion.

(See earlier related posts: Match Made in Heaven, Hot Springs Go Cold, and other posts on the Hot Springs and on the city of Bath, Romans Remain, New Roman Times, Roads to Roam)

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6 Responses to Angry and Upset

  1. Claire says:

    It certainly is traditional for women to cry and men to get angry. But things are changing. From watching tv and listening to music, women are being encouraged to be independent. They are also encouraged to look good and even have one night stands. This, from what I have observed, makes them tend towards anger more than tears.

    Also, I used to work with elderly people and the women often would say that if divorce had been easier back in the day they would’ve divorced. Even my Gran said that. They all felt so suppressed by their husbands.

    Because I spent most of my life surrounded by girls and then women, I never came across male anger. I now live with my boyfriend. When he gets angry but I try to use my brain to diffuse the anger and point out calmly what needs sorting out. It can be awkward, especially if I want to shout as well. It’s all got easier since getting to the menopause.

    That actually annoys me, because getting to the menopause I feel a lot better like clearer headed and calmer. I never had a hot flush or took hormones made from tortured horses. But it does really get to me that I had to wait this long to feel this good. Pre menopause I was muddle headed and moody. I never really enjoyed anything. Now I can be level-headed and calm, but physically I’m a wreck. I got some arthritis and my teeth are fast going rotten plus middle-age spread. I wonder how much female hormones contribute to female upset. A lot, I reckon.

    • suliwebster says:

      Yes I think you are right, the traditional roles are changing. If they completely reverse, we will be in the same old battle. I have heard a story about New Age courses for men where men are being trained to take on the guilt for the patriarchy and instead wish for a matriarchy to worship, which doesn’t sound any different really.

      I have had a much more male surround life, ( which I generally have preferred), apart from 5 years at a girls school which I hated. So I am curious about your lack of experience of male anger and a female world !

      Funny I was talking to someone today about goats, and how the milk from a goat is disgusting if there is a billy goat (male) present. Apparently the smell of the male goat gets into the milk. I wonder if human milk is similarly affected by the presence of men? Or maybe even the MENstrual flow.

      I too feel much better in myself than ever before, post-menopause, it is easy to see how the monthly bleed has cursed women. Maybe the Angry/Upset scenario actually arises from the origins of how the female curse was put in place by male anger, and we just replay it every time ?… Suppose the suppressed female anger worldwide now rises up and curses the male in revenge ? Maybe the curse on the female was a reaction of long suppressed male anger to a previous curse on the male ? Etc etc, it could go on forever, apparently changing, but really we are just going round in circles.

      But men have their own curse anyway, that of going to fight in pointless wars to bleed and die. Maybe they go to fight because the women get upset if they don’t.


      • Claire says:

        It does seem that the world does get off on guilt. Men are made to feel guilty of how women are/were treated, white people are made to feel guilty over slavery.

        Just to say that my ancestor was in the battle of Ladysmith in South Africa. He was from a poor farm in the hills between England and Wales. He was the youngest. He went many miles to school barefoot in all weathers. His parents died when he was young, the eldest brother got the farm. The sister died from overwork trying to keep the place going and the middle brother became a policeman. When he was 15 he joined the army for his shilling a day and got sent to South Africa. He could not see that England had anything any better to offer the Africans so he left the army.

        I am just saying this to point out that many white people also had it bad. They were also disillusioned to think of themselves as better than other races. I am totally against slavery regardless of who is being enslaved.

        My experience of a mainly female world is that I was 5 before my first memoriable boy experience. This boy at school pulled a bogey out of his nose. It was red and green stripey. He went around showing it off. I ran away as I didn’t want it on me. I also thought stripey bogeys was a boy thing.

        You have to know that I was happy with myself. I did not deeply crave the company of others. I was an imaginative girl and quite happy to dream away and did not enjoy being interrupted. My father left my Mum and me when I was 5 months old. What you don’t have you don’t miss and I never could understand the tragic looks I got when people found out I was fatherless.

        I sometimes used to hear my mother and gran talking about cases in the papers and them saying, quietly, aren’t men awful. I didn’t know anything about sex and was not remotely interested where babies come from. If I had known about sex and rape I would’ve hid myself forever. I was on the hysterical/nervous side.

        One day when I was 8 I got off the school bus and a boy who also got off the bus with me started to help me, he got in the lift with me. I lived on the top floor which was 7. He must’ve been about 14 or maybe 16. I didn’t know he only wanted to help, I thought he was going to do those awful things that women never really recovered from and that my mum and gran whispered about. As the lift went up I imagined him taking all my toys and maybe smashing a few things. “Claire” I thought “you have to do something.” So as he opened the lift door I bit his hand good and hard.

        Young I got on well with other girls until the teenage years. Then they got interested in boys but I read things like my father gets into my bedroom and abuses me. It made me grateful that I was fatherless, plus I read a whole bunch of stuff where girls got ill treated by their boyfriends and left in dire conditions with a baby and social services breathing down their necks. So I couldn’t see the attraction of a boyfriend if that’s all he was going to do.

        Not that I was indifferent to the charms of tv men. I liked imagining stuff with them and I was glad they were safely on tv where they couldn’t do all those terrible things.

        And so life went on. Being straight I had occasional one-night stands, which I was happy about because I never felt ready for a relationship. I did tend to argue a lot with men if they were supervisors and I always sided with the women in disputes. You could say I am a sort of feminist and I am always ready to speak up for the female cause.

        Having a son was a huge shock. But he’s funny and intelligent and wants to fly massive cargo planes huge distances so he is properly male, though for obvious reasons I have a stereotypical view of men.

        Considering what some people go through I think I got off lightly and I’m ok with all this. I hope it helps you have an insight into what life is like without males.

        I didn’t know that about the goats. I find goats stuff strong and would be unable to tell if was male-infected because I find it all disgusting.

        I thought queen Semiramis started the periods for women. I think she’s supposed to be an alien or something.

        Just something to go with your VAT article to save me from commenting twice. I speak fluent French and the French for badger is ‘blaireau’. When I lived in France before moving to Spain, Tony Blair was often referred to as ‘le blaireau’.

        Keep well.

      • suliwebster says:

        That’s all very interesting. Some of it sounds like my Gran’s memoirs which I am reading. Her father died when she was 2. Although I had a lot of male presence, I think I was still brought up subliminally to believe that the opposite sex was “opposing”. My experiences generally counteracted that, and I nearly always got along better with men. We are taught to believe in happy-ever-after love but also all this stuff about the things you have to put up with from men, men are men, boys will be boys etc. It’s very contradictory.
        I can’t count the number of times that men have expected me to behave a certain way just because I am a woman, and thereby altered their own behaviour in advance to accommodate the anticipated behaviour. It’s the same both ways, just like you reacted in advance to the boy in the lift. A sort of pre-emptive strike. Having said that, women expect me to always take the woman’s side too, otherwise I am somehow letting the side down. We are heavily cast in two sides. It’s refreshing when people behave as their own self and not according to the blueprint. (or pink print).

        It’s really sad how much hostility has been inbred between the opposing sexes.

        I write a lot about guilt, and I think it has its place if it is genuine, and if you can act upon it to make changes. It can be a powerful driving force for change. I think we can only judge ourself guilty, not others. It is also quite easy to soak up guilt as a sort of helpful waste disposal facility for others, that doesn’t work either.

        Interesting about Blaireau, the coincidences on these things are never ending !
        I will check out Queen Semiramis…


  2. Viv says:

    Interesting discussion. I find women often say that they get on better with men than women and they hated being a student in a girls’ school etc whereas men seem to prefer their own company and you very rarely hear a man say he prefers being with women, men actively seek to disengage from women be it the pub, men’s club etc. I think it’s the influence of the patriarchy that we denigrate women’s company and many women like to think of themselves as a ‘man’s woman’. It is indeed sad that we don’t consider the attributes of each other as people as opposed to men or women as a group. The usual reason given is that women are ‘bitchy’ but I have found that particular trait can be true of both genders! I personally really enjoy other women’s company and the friendship of my close friends . I tend to feel a little awkward around men but I am trying to recognise that everyone is different and we all have something to offer each other.

    • suliwebster says:

      Yes, putting each other into uniformed categories is very restrictive. Noone is perfect, but each of us is playing out an essential part of the whole. Even the “evil” ones. (See The Role of Evil).
      Mail (male) is still today sometimes addressed to married women as “Mrs David Smith”, referring to them as an accessory to their husband.

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